Bol..! Tu Roadie Banega?

It’s the age of “reality shows”.  And Roadies…this is one show that can get me irritated in an instant. It runs on simple formula: Round up on a bunch of losers from different corners of the country who have their “life goal” to be a “Roadie”. I wonder what that even means. Is it like a new career trend that has come to existence?  No, no Let me rephrase that simple formula yet again:

Step1. Round up on a bunch of losers who are exceptionally good at swearing and fluent with all the cuss words that ever existed.

 Step 2. Give them fancy bikes and make them go all over the country and make them do some tasks that you never do in real life which is apparently designed to test ‘Kisme hain kitna dum’.

Step3. Brutal vote out where everyone claims that everyone backstabs them.

Step 4. Bring on Raghu- Rajiv “the bobble head twin spinsters” who are very much capable of calling each other ugly.

Step5. Sandwich poor Ranvijay  in between.  And Note: Ranvijay is the “ultimate roadie” turned “Abyssmal actor” in small budget Punjabi movies now a days.

 Step6: Capture all the fights, arguments, the “Haata-paayi” the “Roadies” seem to have on camera. The most common key words you can hear over and over again other than desi Gaalis are: Backstabing, Khunass,fake, loser, aukaad, low level, mind games,planning/plotting, task, performer/non performer, immunity, vote out, survival,twists….

Voila! : Your very own Roadies!

Some of my favourite sentences which are a cliché in every episode are: “Tunne mereko backstab kiya”, “Sab game khel rahe hain”, “Scroll aaya Scroll aaya”, “Jab hum task ke location par pahunche toh humne dekha ki…”,” Mere mein energy level bilkul kum ho chukka thi”, “..because this is roadies”, “Mujhe pakka vote out karenge”, “Hum apne bikes pe baithe..” …

Once you do win the title of Roadies, you get into another reality show and manage to win one crore by sheer cheap gawar-giri you possess and your desi charm. Or make a sex tape of yourself and flee the country. 

And the very own producers of the show are bored of making stupid shows with stupider youth who think our prime minister is “Rajiv Gandhi”. Mind you this comes out of people staying in “saaddi Dilli”. Maybe schools in Delhi should start planning out excursion trips around Delhi and show them the parliament and other historical monuments. So that they atleast learn the name of our President and Prime Minister. Oh! the shame... So after brutally testing their patience with the low level IQ our generation  seem to possess, they announce that this season is going to be the last one and its going to be “Faadu aur Dhamake daar”. I mean I understand, dealing with weirdos who come over and say “Main apna 100% dunga” ‘aiwain’ can get tad bit annoying and seems like our very own twin-u’s have the patience of Miss Dolly Bindra who fly of their handle and belt the shit out of them and threaten them with “Abbey Ghused doon ga”. One question to the producers: Why do you like stuffing things up peoples ass? Do you like anal?

So people who actually take Roadies seriously what does it take to be a Roadie?

-You should be able to do Back flips, Nanga-naach, Push ups, and always be mentally prepared to get your ass whipped.

- You must know how to abuse and belt the shit out of a fellow guy. The shorter temper you have the better  chances of you to be selected.

- You can be an idiot and a total weirdo with a tattoo of Aishwariya Rai on your belly.

-You should know “Shudh hindi” (read: Hindi mein gaali).

You  be the judge.

What ever happened to that quiz show hosted by Derek O’ Brian on Sunday mornings? The youth of today think, it aint cool to read news papers anymore or watch the news anymore. Even their “mom-dad” seem to give them loads of cash which is spent on hooka, booze, smokes and condoms.  And these creatures seem to love trash metal or Honey Singh (Yo yo!), and comment on Roadies posts on Facebook religiously. And mostly the comments go like this : “Hi frdzzzz..add me”, “Hi Riya. Aap bahut khubsurat ho”, “Sadiyal”, “Eww..she is cheap”, “Maa ka l***a iski toh main Maa Ch*****ga. Kitna feku hain saala”, “Hey grlzzz! Hot cock here. Add me.” 

 

!!!

 

*Sigh!*

Someday just out of curiosity check out a Times of India post and a MTV Roadies post, just look at the number of likes and you will be worried as to where our country is headed.

Also the next time you find that one person who follows Roadies like a religion and buys a Roadies inner boxers and bedsheets and thinks it cool, slap him hard. Real hard. And then ask him Raghu Ram style : “Abey Ch****ye tera dimaag ghaas charne gaya hain? *Beep-Beep-Beeep-beep-Beeeep-beep*

And some more Beep!
 

                                             ** Bante hain, bigadte hain, 
                                            Raahon mein raat kat thi hain yahan. 
                                                            (yahan)
                                                            Ooohhh! **

WOMANIYA!! - Then and now.!

…I will tell you that I consider Mahabharat and Ramayan utter bullshit. As far I might consider it could have been some geniuses mind at work in creating something so fictitious and so disturbing as a tale of Mahabharat or Ramayana. I might have angered many god loving or god fearing people out there but then when have I ever cared for a peoples opinion when they put their faith on Imaginary beings, who instead of offering food to the poor people waste it on some stone idol. I did rather you judge me not! 

As a ardent feminist I will take the whole case of Draupadi and her tryst to cut it as a wife of five who don’t mind watching her getting raped by our dear Mr. Duryodhan who seems to be sexually charged at the idea of Voyeurism.  What a bunch of turds! Just because you can shoot accurately without missing out even once doesn’t make you entitled for the ad of VIP macro man. Just because your busy and impatient mom tells you to share whatever you have brought home with your brothers when they brought in Draupadi doesn’t mean you treat her like a toy train and setting dates and appointments on who can play with her and when. And to see kids these days wont even share a bar of chocolate with the neighbours kid.  Sad old Draupadi in a fix!  

 Now…Drifting over to Sita “Maate”, well I am sure she cursed herself for even marrying Ram. I mean, you get married and instead of enjoying all the worldly pleasures Ayodhya can offer you, she, her husband  are ordered to undergo an exile by some bitch who wasn’t even their biological mother. And Ram being his self righteous thee, heeds and bids good bye to the entire Ayodhya and walks away leaving his throne. Also his little brother Lakshman tags along in the idea of leaving a boring life behind in the conquest for adventure and travel. So they travel all the way down south and meet loads of Monkeys who seem to love them because they can see “Mukh mein tej” and take them in their embracing arms and go “Aa aa Coo coo”. I am sure Ram and his wife Sita had gone cuckoo bananas to find talking monkeys or had eaten a strange plant along the way which made them hallucinate. He did say, “Oye Sita! Aaj bhey i hash ke Paranthe bana de!”. Also One special monkey called Hanuman claimed to have in his heart “Ram and Sita” instead of ventricles. He could have been a medical breakthrough! And then comes the abduction of Sita by Raavan who promises to treat her like a queen.Poor Sita is scared out of her wits because of those freakishly ten heads he seemed to sport and refuses and wants her dear Ram to come and find her and rescue her from the exotic Sri lanka. So she throws her bits and pieces of her jewellery all through the journey making a trail. The Valiant Ram and with his bunch of talking Monkeys meander through the forest to rescue Sita by making his way “Saat Samundar paar” just so that he could taste those yummy "Hash de Paranthes"  by Sita again. And just for fun, he orders to burn down Lanka with little regard for woman and children of that country and finally uses his special god send arrow to slit Raavans throat and shockingly many people claimed they saw it flying in the air like an aeroplane with the back ground colour of the sky changing to red - blue- yellow - green and red again for five whole minutes! And what was more disturbing was all through that flight, his head kept laughing that raucous laughter Raavan seems so famous for. After that the gods in the heaven shower flowers over the Valiant Ram for destroying the livelihood of thousands of innocent lives. 

 And then they thank the talking monkeys and after a good meal of “hash ke Paranthes” they set off towards Ayodhya to tell this awesome adventure they just had to the whole Ayodhya and have an awesome festival called Diwali marking their welcome. The bitch who sent them away is all weepy and all is well in the kingdom. 

And Hail! One fine day, Sita is pregnant!  To her utter annoyance Ram doesn’t believe her and asks her to take the “Agni Pariksha”. I am assuming that they had the knowledge of DNA and genes back then or else just stepping into a fire to prove your faithfulness could get Charles Darwin to die out of laughter. Anyways, just  when Sita was enjoying all the luxury her kingdom had to offer she is thrown out by the egocentric, distrusting and son of a bitch of a  husband for treachery.

                                                              **** Roll credits****

 I can go on with the story of her giving birth to twins Luva and Kusha ..but I am sure this whole story  already could have sounded ridiculous in your mind. I cant believe I wasted my precious Sundays on this load of crap when they were enacted on TV back in the days.

So much for logical Ramayana I composed, it could have got you convinced on how woman get treated in this country.  Indian Society as a whole is a very confusing system. The same place where the god loving people respect and worship female goddesses, treat their daughters or wives like garbage bags.. The very word ‘Pati’ and ‘Patni’ brings out the deep rooted patriarchy system we seem to be so proud of. 

                         ".....Saha Dharma Chaarini means a wife who participates equally in dharma ritulals of husband.There are many Hindu rituals which can not be performed, as per the ancient Upanishad principles, by a man if his wife does not or unwilling to participate in them. She who co-operates with her husband in all those rituals with body, mind and soul is called Dhrama Patni. In Puranas, the wives Rishis were normally known as Dhrama Patnis. "
 (Source : Yahoo answers)

Google defines a good and lawfully wedded wife in Hindi as “Dharam Patni” and a husband a “Pati- Parameshwar”. Who ever coined that line “Patni ki jagah apne pati ke charano mein hota hain”, had probably been misinterpreted. He was looking down for sure, but he didn’t mean his feet. I mean for a lot of men, I am guessing, feet isn’t even an erogenous zone. You know what I am talking about!

But personally, I would never ever respect a man who lets his wife touch his feet and take aashirwad. Even if it involved some custom or a tradition or a ritual. She is the one who takes care of you, cooks you your food, washs your cloths, takes care of your off springs, prays for your success and well being and you still want her to touch your feet and down her by branding her as the woman, a weaker sex. I think it’s the men who need to touch a woman’s feet. Again said, Indian customs are confusing. Its okay for men to go to temples and fall down at the feet of idols of Parvati and Lakshmi but refuse to even treat their wives humanely. Something, somewhere went wrong, don’t you think?  We teach our men to embrace their carnal instincts but suppress a woman's desires to an extent where she has to give up her desires to satiate your needs.  We molest, rape, harass our own women behind doors and attend Lakshmi Puja in your colony.  Worst part is yet to come when these woman are killed because they were the victim of innocent love. Its disgusting really. 

What men need to realize is woman aren’t your puppets. They have the power to either make you or break you. Literally. 

 "Ho womaniya!
Aa ha womaniya!
Reh reh ke maange, choli battaniya,
Reh reh ke maange, choli battaniya..."

"There's a thunder in our hearts, baby."

Why do I think of you as an addiction?
How did I fall into that hole in your life?
Today seems like you,
Tomorrow seems like all about you.

Maybe this is where I fit,
At the sojourn of your heart.
I lay there with my eyes closed,
Your fingers running through my hair.
Just for a moment you smelled of roses, hope and faith.

I did give my sleep away for you,
To sit starry eyed and listen to the wind rustling in your coat.
I did walk these roads again,
just to find you standing at the corner with a bunch of daises.
I did never tie my hair up,
if you like the way it tickles your chin every time you hug me.

I did dream of rainbows,
But laying there beside you,
upon green grass and staring into the twilight skies.
I find the magic hovering above us.
Is it the night that whispers?
Or did you just say something that I have never heard before?
Hold my hand and make me feel,
all your love to the point of eternity.

Eclipse.

Eclipsing moon,
Eclipse my heart.
Someone doesn't want to fall in love again,
Not tonight baby,
Not tonight.

Love cannot save you from your own fate - Jim Morrison

You walked past me,
To remind me how shallow I feel.
The pain subsides,
Yet my insides scream.
I have basked under your love,
Healed under your touch,
Found peace laying in your arms,
Just before you crept into my life,
I knew I did break your heart.

Every moment I spend with you,
You trust me more than I do.
I reside in the nightmares of my past,
If only you could see the future fading fast.
In the white light advancing at last.
You read my mind,
You held my hand,
You filled my life with joy,
But I haven’t erased the pain.
I feed on your trust,
But I drink mistrust.
I wish, the day I met you,
To have turned my back,
And walked into my shell.

You are naive,
And come through like waves,
On my deceived sands.
I can feel you under my frozen toes.
It’s just a matter of time,
Before you realize that there’s this black hole,
Inside of me, somewhere deep,
That threatens to surround us with gray fog.
I am no fortune teller to hope,
I just lay trapped next to you.
I wish you did let me go,
And save yourself,
From all the pain I am going to put you through.

Inspiration: Belinda, from the book “The shore of the woman’.

Violet bug..!

Thousand little paper cuts,

Strewn on my bedroom floor.

I sit in the neon glow,

Listening to the rhythmic even flow.

If ever I receive a thousand hugs,

I will send a violet bug to light up my skies.

And then I will strike all his strings,

Setting an everlasting violet phase,

Then everybody will probably recognize this face.

Above the velvet sky,

I fell right through and saw the bug buzz me by,

Among the stars was a warmth he found,

Seeing all the shrewd coldness die.

I curl upon my bed,

Watching the violet bug,

Smiling, watching his shadow on my ceiling.

I let him be,

As he buzzed like a starry orb revolving around me.



Somewhere over the rainbow,
Blue birds fly,
Birds fly over the window,
Why then?
Oh why can't I fly?

Freedom skies..!

Is it time already?
To realize that there is a pain that does not hurt.
Is this the end of the line?
One step ahead is an eternity of freedom.

Blurry morning with rain drops pouring,
My window fogs up clearing my mind.
The strangest feeling in the world pleads to bind,
To engulf me and protect me.

Every breath of air screams of freedom,
You made a spot and wondered about it a lot.
Every screech of the wind carves a fresh gash,
Every move I make seems unconscious,
But you know you‘re not dreaming.

You wake up to the gloom,
And yet it seems to bloom.
You wake up the dullness,
Yet it so bright.
You wake up to forget the night,
Yet the deception feels so right.

This is for all those people who re at the point in their lives where nothing seems right, But nothings seems wrong either. Its just vast land of freedom to roam around.

Dont ever underestimate the power of freedom.

Dumbest Reality shows ever..!!

Okay let me take some time out and list all the dumbest "Reality" shows ever.

Celebrity Big brother - This show shows how we humans cant stand our own kinds - Humans.

Moment of truth - We learn a valuable lesson here : Secrets should stay as secrets sometimes.

Simple life : Nothing to say. Its got Paris "bitch" Hilton "acquiring" skills like plumbing and stuff wearing her make up and her six - inch stilettos. The only thing she doesn't wear is her panties.

Growing up Gotti : Grow up Veronica..! And for some reason I have always seen her in white polo neck blouse and a white short skirt with white boots. And one question, Are those implants..?

Flab to fab : Fat people cribbing and cribbing.. and more cribbing. And not to mention the sweat. Eww..!

Chris Angels 'Mind freak' - Chris you are afreak..!

The Apprentice - I so wanna shoot Donald Trump in his head the next time he says "You are fired".

Ghost Hunters - What..?

Americas next top model - The name of the show should have been Americas next top nobody. I mean seriously, where do they disappear after the show?

Rendouvous with Simi Garewal - Why are you in white all the time woman? It hurts my eyes..!

Takeshis castle - You know Asians are innovative but strangely weird. I don't know why every Person taking part in that show acts like he/ she is going to meet Donald Duck.

How about the desi ones?

Emotional Attyachar - Watching your show is an attyachar.What a bunch of fakers.

Koffee with Karan - Its got Karan Johar.

Rakhi/ Rahul ka Svayamvar - Oh! my god, shoot me in the head. How can you make a joke of a such a sacred institution called Marriage?

Channel V Dare to date - Concept of this show : Make a cat and a dog date. After that watch the fun. And somebody please get rid of Andy..!

Axe your Ex - Take revenge on your ex who was probably a loser just so that you can get some footage. What the hell are they preaching anyway? Revenge and payback?

Spiltsvilla - Ummm..."Sluts"villa..!!

Desi Girl - Cat fights and sheer overacting..! Sambhavana Seth was a dude before. ask her if she went through some hormone therapy.

Meethi Churi no. 1 - Good girls gone bad. But with a downside of massive douchery all the time by Rakshanda Khan.

Kitchen Champion - Does Ronit Roy know how to boil an egg?

The player - Till this date I never understood a damn what this game is about.

Beg, Borrow, steal - Does anybody even watch this show? I guess not.

Koi mujhe iss jungle se bacchao - eh?

Kya aap paasvi pass hain? - Flop show!! In spite of having Shahrukh Khan on board.

Kamzor Kaddi kaun - Neena Gupta ji zaara "Saans" lijiye..! ( Neena Gupta, take some breath)

Main, tum aur mum - What was this whole show about anyway?

Next a massive pain the ass :
Rakhi ka Insaaf - Ek, Do, Teen, Chaar, Bandh karo yeh attyachar..!! ( 1,2,3,4, please stop this atrocity). Dare to watch it?

Shaam tanhaayi ki hain,
Aayegi manzil kaise..?